Paperwork
by The Dame of Lame
Summary: Okay, chapter 3 is up and the timeline is still totally screwed over. There's just no fixing it. This is the last chapter because it's come full circle. I'll try to write more RoyRiza, though.
1. Paperwork

Roy Mustang sat in his office, his hand propping up his head, eyes glazed over and out of focus. Mountains of paperwork lay on his desk, waiting patiently to be completed. Or, moreover, started. However, that wasn't going to happen. Roy put off any kind of work until the last minute, wherein he promptly caused chaos in the office and sent Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc to take care of it in order to give himself more time to frantically finish the work he'd been putting off for the past week. Havoc's laid back personality usually caused things to slow down in progression. That's why he was always sent.

Unfortunately for Roy, First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was catching on to his little tricks. And that meant trouble for Roy because Riza is damn good with anything that possesses a trigger.

As Monday approached and the time to turn in all work drew ever closer, Roy began panicking. The man had, as he described to Havoc, three piles of paperwork that even he, being the great Flame Alchemsit Roy Mustang, with his bombs on command, could not destroy.

"Calm down, chief. I'll help," Havoc promised, walking out of the office and dropping his cigarette on the floor. Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda walked over and stared at the blonde-haired man, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Hey, Havoc!" Breda finally shouted when the other man just stood there.

"What?" the tobacco-addicted man answered.

"Pick up your cigarette! You're ruining the carpet!" Havoc looked off in the other direction.

"Nah. I think I'll just leave it there. It adds more color to the room." Breda's face began turning red with frustration and Havoc's eyes turned to him. "See. There's the color I was talking about." The hefty man advanced towards the more slender one by a stride. That's when the next step in the plan was launched. Havoc whistled and Riza's dog, Black Hayate, came running, which, in turn, caused Breda to run. His cynophobia seemed irrational and blown out of proportion to anyone around him, but it made perfect sense to the military man. Havoc chuckled as chaos, panic, and disorder were spread around the room.

That's when the trouble really started.

"Lieutenant Havoc! What are you doing?" Riza demanded as she entered the room. Havoc immediately saluted.

"N-nothing, Lieutenant Hawkeye!"

"Pick up the cigarette butt and throw it away."

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Black Hayate!" Riza whistled for her dog. "Come!" He stood at her feet, his tail wagging furiously. "Sit." His rear dropped to the floor and his tail continued mercilessly beating the carpet. "Stay." She began walking towards Roy's office.

"Wait! Lieutenant!" Havoc yelled. He was panicking. If Riza walked in on Roy and his unfinished paperwork, the colonel would be a dead man. Which, in turn, would mean Havoc himself would be a dead man.

"What did you want, Lieutenant Havoc?"

"I…uh…" The man took a deep breath and blurted out, "I love you!" Riza stood for a moment.

"That's great, Lieutenant. Try that again when you're sober."

"I'm not drunk!" Riza continued walking. Havoc gave up. He had given Roy all the time he could stall for. He'd hoped it had been enough. A screech of "COLONEL MUSTANG!" from Riza dashed his hopes in a heartbeat.

"Y-yes," Roy's voice cracked. He cleared his throat and continued. "Yes, Lieutenant?"

"What are all these papers doing unfinished?"

"It would appear that they are sitting on my desk." He poked a stack of papers. "Yes. That's what they're doing. I was just getting to them."

"Bullshit." Five loud gunshots were heard as everyone outside of Roy's office prayed for the man.

"Hawkeye, what the hell are you doing!" Roy roared.

"There is someone I must protect. Until the day that man reaches his goal, I will pull the trigger without hesitation. Even if it means pointing the gun at him every once in a while."

"Riza…" Roy moved towards the woman as she lowered her gun. He embraced her lovingly. She looked up at him and the obsidian-eyed man leaned down, letting his lips touch hers briefly.

"Would you be interested in going to dinner with me tonight?" he questioned, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I would." Roy smiled.

"I'll pick you up at seven."

"Yes, sir," Riza answered, saluting in a joking manner. He saluted back and Riza walked out the door. Roy slumped in his chair, breathing a sigh of relief, thinking he'd gotten out of doing the paperwork.

"Oh, and by the way, sir," Riza said, opening the door just enough for her head to pop in, catching Roy by surprise and causing him to sit up straight, acting busy.

"Yes?" he replied hopefully.

"Your paperwork is still due on Monday."

"Yes, ma'am," Roy grumbled as he started on one of the papers.

"Sir? One more thing."

"What's that?"

"Would it be your preference that I wore a mini-skirt for our date tonight?" Roy's jaw dropped. "I'll take that as yes, then?"

"I fucking love you."

"As do I, sir." Riza pulled her head out and closed the door.

"Wait, Riza! How mini is this skirt?" From outside the office, Roy heard the reply.

"You'll see."

Roy's lesson of the day: When it comes to paperwork, there's no better motivation for getting it done than the chance to see Hawkeye in a mini-skirt.


	2. The Fruit

Awd.Wun.Owt: Okay, first, I'd like to explain why this chapter is called "The Fruit." My friend, Alyssa, said to keep the chapter title to something simple like "The Halloween Bash" or "The Date." And me, with my weird little thought process, figured out that a date is a fruit and that people don't go on dates, they go on fruits. So, that explains the title. Read and review please. Oh, and the timeline is totally screwed. So pay no attention to the things that make no sense. That's what I do!

Seeing as how it was Halloween night, Riza dressed up in a school girl's outfit, complete with matching pigtails, and went to pick up Roy for their date. They were going to catch an early dinner at a nice restaurant and then go to a military Halloween bash. However, Roy was reluctant. Riza had picked out his costume to match hers and he was refusing to wear it. The corners of Riza's mouth twitched upwards in to a smile when she remembered Roy's costume. She got out of her car and knocked on his front door. She saw an eye through the peep hole and looked closer.

"Who is it?" she heard Roy ask.

"Your date." Roy flung open the door and stared at Riza's mini-skirt. His jaw dropped and his tongue hung out.

"That would be exactly why I picked that specific costume for you, sir." Roy was currently wearing a dog's costume, complete with tail and ears. "Come, sir. If we plan on having dinner before the party, then I suggest we leave now." Roy shook his head as if he was waking himself from a trance, then cleared his throat.

"Ahem. Yes. You're right. Let's go." They drove to the small restaurant and had a quiet dinner. Aside from the looks of confusion from the other diners, everything was going like one of Roy's normal dates. Then came the bill. Riza saw it first. Thirty-one dollars and fifty-two cents.

"That's fifteen seventy-five each, sir," Riza said, pulling a small back pack on to her lap, searching for her wallet.

"I'll pay for it, Lieutenant. You don't have to split it with me."

"It's alright, sir. I don't mind." Roy reached in his fuzzy pockets and Riza found her wallet. They split the bill and headed for what appeared to be a rather large gym where orchestra concerts were held on occasion. They pulled up around eight p.m. and walked in to the building. They looked around. There were plenty of military members they didn't know, but the ones they did know, they found almost immediately.

"There's Major Armstrong," Roy and Riza said in unison, pointing towards a green figure. They smiled at one another, then walked over.

"Major. Who are you supposed to be?" Roy asked with a small laugh. Armstrong spun around and flexed.

"I am the Incredibe Hulk! Look at my green muscles! Hoo-ah!"

"How did you get your back painted?" Riza questioned, her head tilting to the side a bit.

"It's an Armstrong family tradition that has been passed down for generations! The ancient art of finger-painting!" He flexed even more. Roy held back the desire to laugh at the Incredible Hulk with pink sparkles floating around him. He didn't have to fight the urge for long because Maes Hughes then approached them.

"Heya, Roy!" Maes said, almost startling the Flame Alchemist. Roy turned around and outright laughed. He had expected something like this. Maes was dressed up as a giant picture of his family. A drawn picture of his family. With his head cut out so his real one could fit there.

"Where…?" Roy began.

"Isn't it fantastic?! Elicia drew it for me and even cut out my head, with Gracia's help of course. You should have seen it! It was adorable!" He thrust his hands out, photographs clasped tightly. "I have pictures, you wanna see?!"

"No, thank you, Maes." Before Maes could argue back, a telephone, Zorro, a miniature Armstrong, and a piece of asparagus came up to them.

"Hi, Lieutenant, Lieutenant Colonel, Colonel!" the telephone said cheerfully.

"Good evening, Fuery," Riza said, then turned to Zorro, chibi-Armstrong, and the asparagus. "Havoc, Breda, Falman." They nodded.

"Hey, how'd you know I was Zorro, chief?" Havoc asked. Riza reached forward and pulled the cigarette out of Havoc's mouth.

"Just a wild guess, Lieutenant." She dropped it in an ashtray, giving Havoc momentary withdrawal. "Warrant Officer Falman is the only one tall enough to be a piece of asparagus and Second Lieutenant Breda was the only one left."

"You're forgetting me, ma'am." Riza turned around to see light green creature wearing a thick, silver painted innertube.

"I apologize…Sciezka?" The creature nodded.

"I'm an alien, ma'am." Roy longed to say _Well, we know that. What's your costume?_ but knew Riza would hurt him for it.

"Of course," he offered instead. "What else?" Denny Bloch and Maria Ross walked pass the crew, smiling and chattering away awkwardly. Roy stared.

"Looks like we're not the only ones who came as a pair, Hawkeye." Bloch was dressed as the monster Frankenstein and Ross was his bride. Roy had guessed they would end up dating. Man, could he call office romance or what? He smiled inwardly until he was tapped on the shoulder. He once again turned around, but this time, he came face to face with a pirate while Riza stared at a really, really, really big parrot.

"Colonel Mustang! Good to see you! Nice costume," Fuhrer King Bradley complimented.

"Not bad yourself, Fuhrer, sir." Roy's eyes flicked to the large parrot. "Is that…?"

"My secretary, Miss Douglass. Yes." Roy nodded. "Well, we'll be off then. It's polite to invite people in at the door. But between you and me, I intend to give them a little scare. Boo!" Roy faked a startled look and the Fuhrer laughed. He and the parrot went to the door and hid on either side. Inu-Roy looked over at the telephone, Zorro, the piece of asparagus, Chibi-Armstrong, the alien, the sparkling Incredible Hulk, and the giant drawing of Maes' family. This sight was too much.

"Well, it's nice talking to you all, but the Lieutenant and I are planning on going in to the haunted house." Fuery, Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Sciezka all shook their heads.

"Uhm…" (Sciezka)

"We'll stay here." (Falman)

"Yeah, we're good!" (Breda)

"Haunted houses aren't really our…forté." (Fuery)

"They just freak me out," Havoc said, being honest and lighting another cigarette.

"Then you'll just stay here. Don't be afraid now," Roy joked.

"I have to find Elicia and Gracia anyways. They're adorbale! My little girl dressed up as an angel! She's _so cute_! And Gracia, you'll never guess what she is! A gypsy! Oh, they look so _adorable_!" As Roy and Riza sneaked away from the gushing father, Armstrong babbled on about some family tradition of protecting the scared and weak. As they headed towards the small haunted house, they passed by a very bloody, very undead, very pissed off murdered zombie.

"Was that…?" Riza began.

"Basque Gran with a knife sticking out of his head? Yes. Although I'd like to put that knife elsewhere…" Riza giggled and Roy looked down at her. "Since when do you giggle?" The Lieutenant cleared her throat and blushed slightly.

"I didn't, sir."

"Of course not." They walked through the haunted house, which was, in all truth, very lame. Roy simply stared at anyone who got too close and they backed away. Roy and Riza walked out of the hauntless house and over to the snack table, where Lieutenant Yoki was just leaving…dressed as a clown with Lyra, a mime, following him. Roy shook his head.

"What's next?" he murmured.

"Hey, Colonel Crappy!" Edward greeted as he and Alphonse approached the two. Roy looked at the teenager. Typical Halloween costume. Edward had dyed his hair black and was dressed as a vampire. Roy would have described him as a gothic vampire, because Edward was wearing a little more black than most did when they dressed like blood-suckers, but found it would only be redundant.

"Hi, Colonel Mustang, Lieutenant Hawkeye!" Alphonse waved. Edward had transmuted his body to look like that of a cat that walked upright.

"Isn't transmuting your younger brother dangerous, Fullmetal?" Roy asked.

"No more dangerous than that fluff you're wearing." Roy gave him a death stare. "It's a joke, asshole. Of course it wasn't dangerous. If something I did would result in losing Al, I'd never do it. I didn't mess with the Blood Seal, just his armor configuration." Roy nodded.

"I see." Edward looked over to where the other two had just came from.

"You guys went in to that Haunted Hoax, too?" he asked. The other two military members nodded.

"Brother and I went in there. It wasn't very good," Alphonse noted.

"Don't lie, Al. You were so scared, you couldn't even walk in a straight line!" The armor blushed and Roy began pondering on how that was possible, completely blocking out Edward's next sentence.

"Hey!" Edward yelled, Roy's focus snapping back to the blonde. "Were you even listening to me?"

"No."

"Bastard. I said, 'if you really wanna get scared, you should try the corn maze out the back door.' They've got people chasing you around. Well, that's what Lyra told me."

"Actually, she acted it out, Brother. She's a mime. She can't talk," Alphonse pointed out to his brother.

"Yeah, whatever. So, you guys wanna go? Al and I were just headed over there." Roy looked over at his date, who shrugged. He nodded and the four of them walked out the back door.

Edward and Alphonse took no time getting through the maze, seeing as how Edward could see over the hedges when he stood on Alphonse's shoulders. Roy and Riza, however, were having no such luck. Sure, Roy could have burned down the maze, but what fun would that be? They rounded multiple corners and ran in to various dead ends. After running down a very elaborate path and coming to yet another dead end, they spun around to see an axe-murderer. The man grabbed Riza and ran off. Roy chased after them, but lost them. He heard a few faint gunshots and pushed his way through the maze's hedges to see the murderer lying on the ground, twitching. Riza had her gun drawn.

"Did you…?" Roy began.

"I shot above his head and he passed out. The coward." Roy finally decided he didn't care about fun anymore. He wanted out of this damn maze. He sat Riza on his shoulders long enough for her to see which was the exit was. She got down and he blasted a hole through the hedges in that direction. The two got out and walked back in to the gymnasium, spotting Edward and Alphonse.

"How'd it go, Colonel?" Edward asked with a smirk.

"Some crazy axe-murderer tried to take the Lieutenant." The braided alchemist faked a surprised look.

"Did he succeed?"

"No, Fullmetal. He passed out when she fired at him." Edward's jaw dropped.

"Damn! That's no fair!" He turned a furious color of red.

"Brother, uh, let's go to the, uh…dunk tank! Lieutenant Yoki's in it!" Alphonse offered. Edward's face lit up.

"Yoki? From Youswell?" Alphosne nodded. "Heh heh. Let's go, Al. See ya!"

"Bye!" Alphonse was dragged to the dunk tank and Roy and Riza laughed.

"Well, that was interesting," Shou Tucker said, nearing the pair. He had a yellow paper crown on his head and a Fairy Princess following him.

"What's that, Shou?" Roy asked.

"That Elric boy just ran up there and hit a dead shot."

"Ed?"

"No, Alphonse." Roy and Riza looked at one another, then to Shou, then past Shou to see Edward and Alphonse doing a small victory dance as Yoki climbed out of the water, cursing under his breath.

"Hey, Mister Colonel!" The Fairy Princess tugged on Roy's tail. "Have you seen my prince? I lost him." Riza smiled at Nina.

"Who's your prince?" she asked.

"Alexander."

"I'll help you find him."

"Are you one of those superhero school people?" Riza laughed a bit.

"No, but she's very close," Roy answered for her. Riza took the small girl's hand and led her off. Roy and Shou conversed about alchemic research until the two girls returned with the leashed Prince of Slobber.

"Thank you, superhero lady!" Nina said.

"It was no problem," Riza answered. The Tuckers bid farewell and walked away. Riza yawned a bit.

"Ready to go home, Lieutenant?" Roy asked. Riza nodded slightly. He put an arm around her waist to hold her stable and they walked out to her car. He lay her down on the back seat as she fell asleep then got in to the driver seat and drove her home. He took her house key out of her backpack and opened the front door. Roy then walked to her bedroom and laid her down on the bed, pulling the ribbons out of her hair and the covers up to her chin. Black Hayate ran in to the room and curled up on the floor at the foot of Riza's bed. Roy brushed some of the loose strandes of hair out of her face and gently kissed her on the forehead. Riza mumbled something in her sleep and a small smile crept across her lips. Roy sat her things down on the floor next to the bed and her key on her night stand. He creeped to the door and out of the room.

"Thank you, Roy," Riza murmured as he closed her door. "I had a great time."

"Me, too, Riza." The door closed and Roy walked out of her house, locking the door behind him. He whistled happily all the way home.

Roy's lesson of the day: Doing all of that paperwork was totally worth it.

Awd.Wun.Owt: I'd like to say for only two days of planning, two days of writing, and an IM conversation, I didn't do too bad. Whaddaya think?


	3. The Flame's Muse

Riza walked in to work the next day, her standard issue uniform, her routine hair-style, that oh-so austere attitude that got her a date with Roy Mustang in the first place, but today, there was something different about her. A smile. Riza Hawkeye looked for all the world like a kid in a candy shop. A broad grin, a polite wave to the other military personnel, even a kind "Good morning" to a totally wasted Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc.

Havoc, Breda, Fuery, and Falman stared at her as she walked passed them, humming to herself.

"Think Mustang spiked her punch or somethin' last night?" Breda whispered to the others.

"I don't know. I highly doubt it. Lieutenant Hawkeye's too smart for that," Fuery answered.

"Well, something happened last night. Who's going to go find out?" Falman asked.

"If it'll get you guys to shut up so I can sleep, I'll do it!" Havoc volunteered, half-asleep. He stood, pulling himself up and out of the chair he was sitting on, and dragged himself to Riza's office. The other three men jumped up and pushed their ears against the door. They heard huffled talking, then a loud slap. Havoc walked out of the room completely dazed, a red mark on his face in the form a hand.

"That's a 'no,' you guys…" He stumbled back to the desk, plopped in to the chair, and let his head fall on to the desk. Breda, Fuery, and Falman looked inside Riza's office to see her face bright red and her body shaking with rage. They moved over towards Havoc, shutting the office door.

"What'd you ask her?" Breda demanded.

"Well," Havoc's speech came out muffled, "first, I asked her if Mustang spiked her punch last night. She thought that was funny."

"And then?" Breda egged him on to continue.

"I asked her if Mustang banged her." The hands of many men in the office simultaneously hit their foreheads, and the hung-over man blinked cluelessly. "Was that a bad idea?"

"Gee, Havoc. Does that slap on your face still hurt?" Maes Hughes asked, seeming as though he had suddenly appeared out of no where. Before the other men could laugh, Havoc was already snoring.

"Not enough to keep him awake, I guess," Breda joked. Roy appeared behind Breda and slapped him upside the head.

"What did you do to Lieutenant Hawkeye?" The stout man turned around.

"I didn't do anything! It was Havoc!" The Flame Alchemist was now pulling his gloves tighter.

"Someone tell him that he's got five seconds to run before I fry his ass."

"Uh…Havoc…" Breda tried. He shoved the other man, who promptly snorted and woke up.

"Wha?" He pointed to Roy. Amazingly full of energy, the hung-over Havoc ran out of the building. Unfortunately for him, he didn't run fast enough and Roy got him as he tried to go through the doors. Roy now sighed.

"Now I have to find a way to cheer up the Lieutenant," he mumbled, walking in to his office. A few minutes later, the sub-ordinates saw their commander walk out of his office, holding what looked like a modern-day iPod, which Roy always showed off, calling it the Flame's Muse. Apparently, as he had once told Fuery, it gave him ideas. And it had just given him an ingenius one.

He walked in to Riza's office without even knocking. Her smile had long since faded and she sat cleaning her gun.

"Sir, I would prefer it if you knocked next time," she told him.

"I just want you to listen to this, Hawkeye. It's a good song." Roy took the ear-phones and stuck them in Riza's ears. He restarted the song and Riza listened. For about fifteen seconds. Her eyes widened, then slowly closed as she pulled the phones out of her ears.

"That's…very nice, sir." She was blushing.

"You liked it?" Roy asked, smirking.

"I have paperwork I must attend to now, sir."

"It's a good song, isn't it?"

"Yes, sir. Now if you don't mind." She gestured to the small stack of paperwork.

"Right. I should probably get back to work, too…" He turned around and sighed, beginning to exit the office. Before he could open the door, he felt arms around his waist and a face against his back.

"Lieutenant?" Roy asked, rather surprised. "Is something wrong?" He felt the face move.

"No, sir."

"Then what are you doing?"

"I just…need to make sure you know how much I appreciate you." Roy blushed slightly, clearing his throat, but even though, his voice cracked slightly.

"I-it's not a problem, Lieutenant. Weren't you saying you had paperwork to finish…or something?" He felt the face nod.

"Yes, sir." However, Riza still held tightly.

"Do you need some motivation to get it done?" One more nod. "How about another date? Tomorrow night?"

"I would like that, sir." She let go and Roy opened the door, gave a small wave, and left. Riza's smile returned as she closed the door and proceeded to her chair.

Riza's lesson of the day: Everything comes to full circle.  
Roy's lesson of the day: "Give It Up" by the Peppers is a damn good song.

(Hope you guys liked it. Personally, I think it's a little lamer than the others, but I've had this idea for forever. Originally, it was gonna be Roy making Ed listen to the song, but I didn't want all these Roy/Ed Yaoi imbeciles to read it and go "ZOMG, thts gr8!" Besides, I needed another chapter for Paperwork anyways. So, uh, review please!)


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